A jarring phone call on November 30th, 2019, shattered Love’s morning peace. “Her response, delivered with a hint of panic, shook me even further, ‘He is gone!'” The devastating news of her brother’s death emerged through her mother’s heart-wrenching sobs, bridging yet highlighting the vast distance between them.
“The irony struck me; it felt as though we were just a phone call away, our voices seemingly within arm’s reach. Yet, the harsh reality was that we were separated by an ocean, thousands of miles apart,” Love recalls. This physical separation amplified her helplessness: “The ache of distance intensified as the impossibility of giving my mother a reassuring hug to let her know that everything would be alright settled in.”
The circumstances of her brother’s death proved tragic. Found unconscious after falling from his scooter while intoxicated, he died alone. His wife’s emotionless recounting of events revealed a deeper tragedy: “As she described the details to me, her voice held no traces of sorrow or any other emotions one might expect from a woman who had lost her husband the previous night. A somber realization settled in their marriage had lacked any trace of love.”
Even securing a final photo of him proved challenging. “The only image I received was one of him standing, taken from his side, obscuring his face. It was evident that he hadn’t been aware of the photo being taken at that moment. This picture shattered my heart, and tears streamed down my face.”
The impossibility of attending his funeral within the five-day requirement brought fresh pain: “Once again, I found myself grappling with the harsh reality of being so far away from those I cared for and loved.” This echoed her inability to bid farewell to her father, creating a pattern of missed final moments due to distance.
Yet through her grief, Love found deeper understanding of her brother’s struggles. “The language barrier that marked our childhood prevented any meaningful communication and a healthy emotional bond with our parents and each other, and words were never employed to convey our thoughts, emotions, or desires.” His alcoholism and violent behavior stemmed from profound pain: “He desperately sought solace through the toxicity of alcohol to drown or numb his unsolved painful emotions which were too much to bear.”
While others saw only his destructive behavior, Love recognized the wounded child within: “Only I knew that behind his anger was his personal struggles and not knowing how to express his negative emotions other than with the patterns he unconsciously absorbed and adopted from his own reality in a dark, cold place where he had no choice to say ‘no.'”
His death brought unexpected healing between Love and her mother through increased communication. “I became her primary outlet as she navigated through the depths of her grief. For personal reasons, she chose not to disclose his death to anyone else. I understood and respected her decision, much like my choice to withhold news of my marriage’s end.”
Love found meaning in this loss, seeing it as both release and lesson: “His death marked an end to his years of unresolved internal suffering, a struggle he was neither willing nor capable of overcoming as he was so disconnected with reality and his own being, numb to his true self with alcohol.”
As Dr. Gabor Mate notes, “Children don’t get traumatized because they are hurt. They get traumatized because they’re alone with the hurt.” Her brother’s story taught Love the profound truth to “never judge any man until I know his whole story,” a lesson that would inform her understanding of human suffering and healing.
Experience more stories of understanding and compassion in “Grow in the Dark” by Amy Love. Available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Google, iTunes & Kobo.